if i knew it was about a hot himbo lesbian being a heroic dick i would have read it a lot sooner

[hopelesse]

Sooooo, I read Gideon the Ninth. Aaaaand then I made this! Enjoy, I picked out only the finest, most peak #trashe.

one flesh, one end, bitch
a gideon the ninth fanmix

[[here on spotify]]
total runtime: 76 minutes

track list & excerpted lyrics below the cut



future legend ♕ david bowie
This ain’t rock and roll! This is genocide!


pretty waste ♕ bones uk
What a waste of a pretty face
That face, what a waste, that face

Will you want me when I’m old and dead?


bitter rivals ♕ sleigh bells
You are my bitter rival
But I need you for survival


throne ♕ saint mesa
You hate my bad behavior
You cut my loosened tongue
You play the part of savior
I watch you come undone


baby i’m dead inside ♕ kopps
Oh shit, it’s complicated
I do this every time
True love is overrated
Baby, I’m dead inside


hollow moon ♕ awolnation
I’m-a make a deal with the bad wolf
So the bad wolf don’t bite no more


the wolf ♕ siames
‘Cause you can run but you can’t hide
I’m gonna make you mine


tempt my trouble ♕ bishop briggs
But we’re not friends
And we’re not lovers
We’re just trouble


hit and run ♕ lolo
Na na na na na na na
All dressed up for a hit and run


chess ♕ zand
Hey, how’s it going, babe?
I heard you got more underneath than you are showing, babe
Oh, you birthed a new lie?
I’ve been waiting on a fresh one since the last one died


out alive ♕ kesha
No one’s getting out alive


show you what i can do ♕ royal teeth
We can’t play it safe this time
Monsters living in the daylight
Is it real or a disguise?
I’m not afraid of the dark side
I’ve been looking for the right—
I’ve been looking for the right time to show you
To show you what I can do


blood on our hands ♕ kngdavd
So walk with me and you will see
That your enemy may be your remedy

We all got blood on our hands
But we still got hope in our soul
Ooh, heads gonna roll


hi ♕ psapp
Hello — Get out the abacus and count this
A funny story with a dark twist
The target so big that you can’t miss — Me

Composing — And every page I turn I want more
I never know the next thing in store
'Cause you excite me like a locked door — Does


momento mori ♕ dessa
The prettiest girl in the room stood
Collected her things
Fastened her coat up
Around her fine throat
And though you didn’t notice there
For just one moment, well
I was the prettiest woman with you


eat raw meat = blood drool ♕ editors
I don’t wanna be ignored, oh god
When I’m a gun in a fistfight
You’re chewing with an open mouth, raw meat
Your blood drool attracts the flies


back to life ♕ mother mother
And if I died in the middle of a frozen night
Would you be alright, would you feel alright if I
Died in the middle of your paradise
Would you change your mind
Would you bring me back to life


skeletone ♕ bones uk
Christ alive, feast your eyes on a pretty bit of bone
It’s such a pretty bit of bone
Such a nice skeletone


na na na ♕ my chemical romance
(Na, na na na, na na na) Make no apology
(Na, na na na, na na na) It’s death or victory
(Na, na na na, na na na) On my authority
Crash and burn, young and loaded


stop that train ♕ awolnation
For you I’d jump in front of a train
I’d lay in front of a bus
For you I’d jump in front of a train
Forever my companion

Stop that train!
Stop that train!
Stop that train! (I wanna get off!)


rule number one ♕ sleigh bells
Two tornadoes touch down in Kansas
Instinct takes over, instinct commands us
Mostly okay, but I’m bleeding profusely
Mostly okay, but only on Tuesdays


arms tonite ♕ mother mother
I fell in your arms tonight
I fell hard in your arms tonight
It was nice

And hey, you, don’t you think it’s kinda cute
That I died right inside your arms tonight
That I’m fine even after I have died
Because it was in your arms I died

Comments

[mordorbot]

People on my blog speak of the gideon the ninth. It sounds epic. Please, tell me more.

[hopelesse]

This is the best question :3

I saw a tweet that described Gideon the Ninth as Jupiter Ascending going through a goth phase and like, that's the level of Extra you should be prepared for.

The premise: Our Hero -- a butch disaster who is introduced by trying to bribe her way out of trouble using primo space titty mags -- loves her sword and fucking hates her nemesis, the Mysteriously Hott Necromancer Princess. Mysteriously Hott Necromancer Princess also fucking hates Our Hero. Oh no, I hope they aren't going to be forced to team up to form an incredibly intense and loyalty-based relationship by the plot :o

The plot: Space-god-emperor summons a bunch of necromancers and their sworn bodyguards to a basically abandoned planet to become demi-death-gods. Wonder who Mysteriously Hott Necromancer Princess will bring as her bodyguard????

The plot also involves some, like, murders and trials and schemes but let's be real, we're here for banter between two absolutely impossible morons who have to learn to truuuuuust each other. The novel's voice is very strong throughout -- if you don't like the humor within the first couple of pages, you won't like the rest of the book. But if you can get behind dialogue like:

“Nonagesimus,” she said slowly, “the only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted someone to hold the sword as you fell on it. The only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted your ass kicked so hard, the Locked Tomb opened and a parade came out to sing, ‘Lo! A destructed ass.’ The only job I’d do would be if you wanted me to spot you while you backflipped off the top tier into Drearburh.”

“That’s three jobs,” said Harrowhark.

“Die in a fire, Nonagesimus.”

Then I think it's worth a read. Plus, then you'll have context for the extremely clever and witty playlist full of jokes that I made :P

[mordorbot]

Ahahahaha!

It sounds epic, and kinda perfect for mindless reading followed by desperate shipping. I mostly know about it because someone posted a link to a fanfic and I read it, and it was epic, and good enough to make me wonder if I'd like the canon as well.

[hopelesse]

The canon is incredibly enjoyable. It's very, very clear that the author comes from a fandom background ;)

[mordorbot]

It sounds like fluff. I almost never read fiction because the things I want to read are usually really heavy and I don't have the energy for that. But I can probably manage me some space lesbian wizard snark.

Assuming they have a happy ending. I'm very committed to happy endings in my fluff.

[hopelesse]

That.....is complicated. It's the first book of a trilogy, so the plot clearly continues. But the ending isn't uncomplicatedly happy fluff. How spoiler-y do you want to get?

[mordorbot]

Literally all of it. Stories are a journey, not a destination.

[hopelesse]

I like that attitude! It's so true.

Anyway: The first like, third of the book is entirely banter-snark-banter. At some point, we start having locked-room murders. We know the characters getting killed, but they aren't our protags. Snark and banter (and sword fights and skeleton magic) continues. Several tests need to be passed to show how ~loyal~ characters are to each other -- some involve physical harm, but there's no, like, graphic torture-porn; they make it out just as snippy as ever. At the end, as the Big Bad is revealed, it becomes clear that in order for Mysterious & Hott Necro Princess to win, Our Hero is going to have to sacrifice herself. She does.

But here's the thing: this is a book about people who can move dead stuff around. Things that are dead may or may not stay that way. It's left deliberately unclear how much of Our Hero remains after her sacrifice. She certainly seems to think it'll be curtains for her. But seeing as this is the first book in a trilogy, it would be...somewhat surprising if she doesn't get at least partially revived during book 2.

I would also like to stress how incredibly fucking gay our protag is. She's such a complete hopeless lesbian. She has terrible hair and always wears sunglasses and has the extreme vibe of someone who would cut the sleeves off of her robes so anyone walking by could see the gun show. (I read a quasi-review that dropped the line "Leg day does not exist in the House of the Ninth, and if it did, we would still do bicep curls in the squat rack," and like, that's 100% Our Hero's truth.) One time a pretty woman told Our Hero what to do and she got all fluttery. One time during an important mission, a different beautiful woman had to take a swim and Our Hero spent the next 45 minutes being almost incapable of focusing on killing [yikes bad magic thing] because she was too busy being gay about clinging soaked robes. She truly is the butch himbo representation I've been waiting for ;_;

So: your call on this one! I found it to be funny and quirky and enjoyable! I think a lot of the, hm, plot elements probably could have been more expertly pulled off, but the characterization, prose, and dialogue were chef-kiss beautiful. The end is pretty emotional, though. Iirc, book 2 comes out this summer, so if you wanna wait until we see what happens to Our Hero, that's always an option :)

[mordorbot]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

This sounds PERFECT like someone sat down to write something that I would love in particular

But

I'm not in the mood for emotional. Some days I want a good cry and I'll hopefully remember this book on those days

Let me know if the second one is happier though? I'd really like to read it. It sounds so good.